Kontan
by Kamikakushi
Summary: And so…I say farewell to you, my friends. Don’t…don’t hate me for this…I don’t want to lose you as well…I want to become stronger…I want to kill my brother…I want to protect you all…I want…I want…" Sasuke One-Shot. RR.


**Author's Note:** Damn Miyako-chan…All I can think about these days is Naruto. Anyways, this is yet _another_ one of Jia-chan's angsty one-shots. This time, featuring none other than Naruto's most beloved cool and angsty bishonen, Uchiha Sasuke! He's the typical angsty anti-protagonist…Who needs to get laid _very **very** badly_. He needs to get over his Itachi-complex, and this whole incest thing that is going on between them ((eye twitch)) (Random Note: Itachi-sama is so wonderful. I must do a fic on him one day. ((beams))). Yeah…Anyways, read and review, ne? 

**Disclaimer:** My last name is not Kishimoto, I don't have hentai enough of a mind to come up with "Come Come Paradise", and if I had created a character such as Hatake Kakashi ((drool)), I would have made him the main character of the Anime… From those things I think you can tell that I don't own Naruto…((glares at lawyers)) Is that good enough? 

**Dedication:** This ficcy is dedicated to Miyako-chan, a.k.a Tenten, a.k.a White Cross-sama, and her Naru "Family". ((eye twitch))Blame them for this angst piece. 

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_**Kontan**_

By Jia Zhang 

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I have not been this way my entire life, driven by my anger and hatred. No. There was a time when I was still normal (for the lack of a better word), where my main priority had not been to _kill_, but to help my mother with chopping potatos for dinner. Those were simple years, when I was still young…and rather blind. There are times when I wish that if I had been able to see the future, I may have been able to change destiny. Not just mine, but of all those I hold so dearly. But I am not God. I don't have the power to change the past. And so, I have become an avenger, with one goal in life, to be strong enough to kill _that man_. A man whom I used to call brother… 

_I'm so tired of being here   
suppressed by all of my childish fears   
and if you have to leave   
I wish that you would just leave   
because your presence still lingers here   
and it won't leave me alone_

No words could really describe what I felt that day. That fateful day when my childhood was shattered like pieces of stained colored glass that dipped in crimson liquid. There are moments, when I close my eyes to sleep, hoping to let go, and I can picture it all so clearly. Picture it as if I were living it over again. I can still smell the copper stench of blood drifting through the air of the house. I can still see the crimson tide that flowed from the body of my father. I can still see the sadness and pain in my mother's dead eyes. These are memories…nightmares that I will not forget. Sometimes I wish I could erase this past of mine, and start over again. But I can't. I can't forget it because every time I close my eyes I see him. I see him looking right at me, and I keep wondering over and over again why…why…_why_… 

_These wounds won't seem to heal   
this pain is just too real   
there's just too much that time cannot erase_

I have forgotten my childhood nostalgia. My only desire in this life is to kill Itachi. It is my only goal. I want to become stronger, so I can kill him one day. Kill him for betraying the Uchiha Clan…Kill him for murdering mother and father…Kill him for destroying what happiness I had had. I will kill him, with all the pain and anger my scarred soul can offer. That is my only priority. It was my only priority. Now…now it is different. I have met these people who give me a reason to let go of my hatred…These people whom I am…grateful to call my friends… 

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears   
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears   
and I've held your hand through all of these years   
but you still have all of me_

Kakashi-sensei…Sakura…and Naruto…I am grateful to have met them, even if I may never say it out loud. But I am grateful for them. They, who offered me comfort. They, who offered me support. They, who stood by my side through the storm of the ports. They are the ones whom I want to give up this vengeful desire for. There are times where I want to grow stronger, but not to kill Itachi, but to protect them. I want to protect them with me life. To keep them safe, so I wouldn't lose them, like I did mother and father…and Itachi too. 

I remember that time when I protected Naruto and blocked Haku's attack. I remember him asking me why I had saved him. I didn't know why then. I do now. 

_You used to captivate me   
by your resonating light   
but now I'm bound by the life you left behind   
your face, it haunts my once pleasant dreams   
your voice, it chased away all the sanity in me_

But still…I can't let it go. I can't. Not yet. Even with them by my side, I can't forget Itachi and the memories he left behind for me to pick up piece by piece. He crippled what sanity I had, and left me broken and damaged, leaving his past ghost to haunt me day and night. I can't forget it. I can't let it go. Perhaps not even for them. To kill Itachi and get my revenge is the sole purpose I have of living. It is the only reason I have to live. I said this to Sakura once…"I am an avenger". 

_These wounds won't seem to heal   
this pain is just too real   
there's just too much that time cannot erase_

Sometimes I wonder why I can't let it all go. I wonder why I can't simply live, like Naruto does. As stupid as he is…he seems so…happy all the time. I hold nothing to me than my morbid desire. There are so many things I question myself…What my life would be like if Itachi had never killed our parents…What life would be like if I didn't hate Itachi…Itachi, Itachi, Itachi. I can't let go of him. I can't let go of this anger for him. 

Maybe I want to kill him to see him again…And if so, why? Why do I want to see him again? I want to see him because he is my brother, no matter what. No…I want to see him because he is the only living thing I have that binds me to my happy memories, those memories of being with mother and father, and Itachi. The four of us together, as a family. But that is all gone. And with this anger, I chase after him, to kill him, to see him once again, Itachi, my brother… 

_When you cried I'd wipe away all of your tears   
when you'd scream I'd fight away all of your fears   
and I've held your hand through all of these years   
but you still have all of me_

This is why I am going to see Orochimaru. This is why I am going to Hidden Sound. I know from him I will become stronger. Strong enough to find my brother and kill him. I would be leaving Konoha. I would be leaving this place where I had called home. I would be leaving the people I have grown close to, have come to call my friends…these people whom I wish to protect with my very life. I will be forced to part from them. Forced to betray them. I don't want that. But there isn't a way out of this paradox anymore. I can only go forward; I can't turn back. Turning back would mean that I would never be strong enough to fight Itachi, on his terms. Orochimaru…he would be able to teach me enough for me to kill Itachi. That is all I need. And so…I say farewell to you, my friends. Don't…don't hate me for this…I don't want to lose you as well…I want to become stronger…I want to kill my brother…I want to protect you all…I want…I want… 

_**I want……**_

_I've tried so hard to tell myself that you're gone   
and though you're still with me   
I've been alone all along_

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Owari 

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**End Note:** ; Holy crap…what a load of bullshit I just wrote. But my Kami-sama! This has got to be the fastest fic I have ever finished…30 minutes! Personal record! The fic (if you didn't tell by now) is told from Sasuke's POV during the while he leaves Konoha to find Orochimaru. I didn't think that Sasuke is turned completely evil (even though he seems like it in chapter 218), and I sorta wanted to give a reason as to why he did what he did, leaving the village and all. I know it was a little sappy eye twitch, but I think it was an okay piece. Not the best I have done (_Kumagorou_ was a good one-shot I did. Go, read it!), though. But I hope I was able to capture Sasuke's essence and emotions. Well, I tried at least. eye twitch It was a bit incestuous, wasn't it though? Bah. Anyways, the lyrics I used for this fic is _My Immortal_ by Evanescence. Why did I used this song? 'Cause it damn rocks! …And because I thought the lyrics went well with the fic. The title of this, Kontan, is Japanese for "soul", since this fic kinda expresses Sasuke's soul. Well, hope you had a happy read…((eye twitch)) Review ne? 

**Complaint Note:** Kuso! FF.net is getting really frustrating now! It took me like 50 minutes to fix all the problems to this would post. They don't allow those stars anymore...Kuso...((eye twitch)) 

© June, 2004 by Jia Zhang. All rights reserved.


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